#1  
Old 09-November-2003, 09:25
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Default Female humour

I've been spying in the ladies locker room and heard this one:-

Was in labour so long got shaved twice!
more.....>>>>>>>>
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Old 10-November-2003, 10:31
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Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
Looks like you have floored the fellas with just one joke molliepops
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Old 12-November-2003, 09:44
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Excellent jokes Mollipops - keep em coming! Think I'll try to find somemore to add too. Positive female jokes are great
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Old 12-November-2003, 10:02
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ADVERT :

"Santa and Snowman Print Sani-Pads, Also Tampons With Tinsel Strings"

For The Christmas Period Only!

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Old 12-November-2003, 10:09
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@molliepos - We can take it!!!
Good story and joke. Tebbie posted a similar one some time back but with a slightly different moral:-

by TebbieThe moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb, underneath it all, she's still a (backwards hctiw).
Won't lower the intellectual tone of the thread so far so here's a link to the rival male version of a King Arthur joke .........

An Arthurian Fable
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Old 12-November-2003, 10:16
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Tia that's about the funniest thing I'v read for ages.

I'll have to search for a funny male prostate joke

Edit done....see Male Humour

Last edited by Worldlife; 12-November-2003 at 10:36.
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Old 14-November-2003, 00:42
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Keep them coming girls
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Old 14-November-2003, 01:03
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Ok here ya go- this is my favourite one that I've found whilst surfing, hope you all enjoy it! (Beware this is long!)

The Thoughtful Gift

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday
and as they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal.

Accompanied by the girl friend's younger sister, he went to Harrod's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the panties.

The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of
wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister,
I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she
wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing.

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Old 14-November-2003, 09:14
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Nice ones

I liked this one too from "Jane R".....

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a speciality of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in the East End of London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes,'' the photographer said.

''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''





This had Mrs W/L searching for her school autograph album where she found an entry from a friend of an older brother.....

I tried her on the sofa
I tried her on the chair
I tried her on the table
but I could not do it there
I tried her this and that way
and oh how she did laugh
at the many ways I tried.........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.to take her photograph


At ten or eleven years of age Mrs W/L was not quite sure what this all meant but thought it was rather naughty. Her brother's friend was well and truly rebuked.
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Old 21-November-2003, 16:09
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Dope Plant Man but

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the fella says: "OK, now what?"
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Old 22-November-2003, 01:44
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Is this a private thread

I recon you two have to much time on your hands
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Old 22-November-2003, 14:56
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@merlin

A welcoming joke for a magician....

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Miss," said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."
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Old 22-November-2003, 15:35
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All the jokes here are very good but I especially like your last one here W/L - it just tickled my funny bone!
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Old 23-November-2003, 21:23
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Sorry W/L I missed that one

Appologies to Molipops, I did not see Gothgirl and Tia sneak in there
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Old 23-November-2003, 23:41
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Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn into the dapper, young prince that I am. And then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dines sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:

"Tasty - I've eaten a Prince but where can I find another man to give me long lasting happiness ."
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Old 24-November-2003, 16:32
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APOLOGIES FOR THESE BUT A MAN HAS UPSET ME !!!!
Upset MP!!!! I reckon you must be distraught

Was it one of the Moderators on the "Wife Swap" forum?
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Old 26-November-2003, 03:02
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Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question: "Name the three advantages of breast milk."
Quickly he wrote:
1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for
the newborn child.
2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is
protected from germs and helps develop the
child's immune system.
Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken intoa sweat, he finally scribbled:
3. It comes in such nice containers.

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Old 26-November-2003, 09:01
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@tia

How about this one then............

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here", he said to the 'statue', "......eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!"

Next>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Old 27-November-2003, 09:49
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Default LOL....

Hi,

Here's a few more...

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
_______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make
love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.
______________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart.
_______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
______________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came tothem and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

__________________

AND THE BEST ONE YET...

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

STS
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Old 27-November-2003, 15:41
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NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN ONLY!!

NB: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.

Topic 1: How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with powerpoint presentation. Course notes available.

Topic 2: Toilet paper... does it grow on the holder?
A round table discussion with examples from the third world.

Topic 3: Exploring the difference between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pack includes pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4: The after dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly to the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.

Topic 5: Loss of identity - losing the remote to your significant other.
With 24 hour helpline and support group.

Topic 6: Learning to find things part 1 - starting with looking in the right place.
Part 2 - looking in the right place without screaming the house down.
Open forum

Topic 7: Health watch: bringing herflowers is NOT harmful to your health.
Graphics and reinforcing audio tape.

Topic 8: "Real men stop and ask for directions when lost"
Real life testimonials from those who have ... and survived.

Topic 9: Is it genetically possible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
A simulation/role play exercise.

Topic 10: Learning to live - the basic differences between mother and wife.
Online support and role play.

Topic 11: How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12: How to fight cerebral atrophy - remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and phoning when youre going to be late.
With useful tips on how to recognise Big Hints.
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Old 30-November-2003, 19:25
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"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
* Steve Martin

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
* Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
* George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."
* Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor!)

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
* Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
* Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart
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Old 30-November-2003, 21:44
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******! You've been playing golf!".
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Old 30-November-2003, 22:05
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rules for finding a successful mate.


1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who worships your body.

5. It is vital that these four men never meet.
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  #24  
Old 01-December-2003, 19:37
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Especially for the ladies.........

it's cabaret time........

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Old 01-December-2003, 20:45
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What happens when you use the revolving tool on your graphics programme?
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Old 02-December-2003, 00:31
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Nice butt!
I'll bet he's gay!
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Old 07-December-2003, 21:45
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Default Nativity Play

Two sisters had been given parts in the school Nativity Play.

At the evening meal, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister,

"Well you just ask Mum. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."
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Old 07-December-2003, 21:48
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Originally posted by Worldlife
Especially for the ladies.........

it's cabaret time........

looks like he is about to empty his bowels. YUK!
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Old 07-December-2003, 23:33
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your seagull would make light work of that SV
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Old 08-December-2003, 17:42
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Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be Pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday."

I thought, "Well, that's Wives for you, the children will remember."
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to leave for the office I was feeling pretty low and
despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said,
"Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better;
someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

"By George," I said, "that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind,
I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more
comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat..............on the couch................naked.
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