Fictitious Staff Manual For Tesco Technical Support

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I started off writing this after reading someone else's post about trying to get help from Tesco Technical Support. It is pretty tongue in cheek, but there is a lot of truth in it.

Staff Manual - Tesco Technical Support

Department purpose: to make as much money as possible.

Method: to charge an exorbitant rate for the technical support line and always maximise the length of time the caller is on the line.

Tips for support staff:

• If you understand the problem and know the solution has nothing to do with the user’s equipment, still go through every single possible issue there could be with his/her equipment. Try to make this as time consuming as possible.
• If at all possible, always divert any blame away from Tesco. If this means blaming the internet as a whole, then so be it.
• Talk as much as you can about viruses and spyware. Always insist that virus scanning and spyware removal tools do not guarantee anything.
• Never agree to escalate anything – it costs us money.
• If a user asks to be called back, say ok and hang up. Take no further action.
• It is NEVER Tesco’s fault.
• Always remember that customers with a lot of time left on their contracts should be given the least priority.
• Try to sell a different service to customers not within their initial 12 month contract. Once they are on a new contract, we can start to ignore them again.
• Problems at peak times are to do with the user’s equipment, even if service is fine at other times.
• When you take the customer’s details at the beginning of a call, always drag it out as long as possible.
• Always get the customer to explain the problem from the beginning. Try to ask for as much clarification as possible, even if you understand.
• Don’t solve the problem if at all possible, because if you do, it means they will stop calling us and you know what that means.
• Never leave sight of the fact that your job is to take advantage of the customer.
• Insist that slow browsing is something that is widespread and other people just put up with it.
• Always make the customer feel like they are the only one with such a problem and try to make them feel like they are being unreasonable.

Tips for email support staff:

• Most emails can be answered with one of our standard responses.
• Do not answer specific technical questions – we have to make money out of them, so get them to phone technical support.
• If they are reporting poor service levels and it is not a technical support issue, get them to phone technical support.

[Twinkle]

Sounds about right.

[Zer02004]

It would be funny if it wasn't true.
The cinnamon fruit loaf is excellent though!