Family, materialism and psychology of Christmas

[squidgy]

Not sure if this an appropriate topic for this forum, but I thought that since Mega Tsunami titled a thread on the "depression of Christmas" at http://www.the-scream.co.uk/forums/s...&threadid=3248 and no-one remarked on this, I thought I'd go a little deeper.

Some people say that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus. Some people say that it's a pagan festival, or worshipping the sun, because of the days starting to get longer. Some people say it's a just a good excuse to have a few days off work, binge out and get drunk. Some people say that it's all about showing kindness to those more needy than yourself.

I think that Christmas can be all of these things, but it's an intellectual argument, it doesn't really go anywhere, and it's somewhat beside the point.

The point is, many people have a problem. Why? Because, regardless of what they think of all of the above, there's an underlying, rather negative assumption that if you don't celebrate Christmas in the way that you think is proper, then it means you don't love your family. On an intellectual level, you know that's a ludicrous idea, but you still feel it. It doesn't help if times are a bit hard, but even if they aren't, anyone who ever gets depressed, or who has a self-injury habit, or eating disorder, or alcohol or substance addiction problem, is likely to feel completely messed up by this kind of negative thinking.

So I'd like to stress this, the world is NOT going to end if you don't do everything that you think people expect of you at Christmas. You should be doing what you really want to do, have some fun, and do and nothing else.

It's unlikely that you'll get into a confrontation with anyone as a result of this. But if you do, just remind them that they're missing the true meaning of Christmas, by thinking the same kind of negative thoughts that you're trying to get away from.

If people still can't be nice to you, it doesn't matter how closely they're related to you, the truth is, they're just not worth your while bothering with. Remember, in the film "But I'm A Cheerleader", both Megan and Graham get disowned by their parents, but it still has a happy ending. But I think you'll find that usually, it won't come to this, everyone will still be happy, and respect and love each other.

With that thought, I'd like to wish everyone a really really happy Christmas and new year.

Any comments?

Totally agree with your sentiments Squidgy.

As a rule I've never done something just because it's the norm.

And I never will.

Whatever makes one happy is fair game to me. (as long as it dosnt spoil anyone elses day)

Murray Crimble to all 2

[squidgy]

Thanks! I hope I haven't spoiled But I'm A Cheerleader by saying this, though, although it's a film about growing up gay or lesbian, it was the best example of something that makes this point that I could think of. I'm sure you can probably think of other examples, though.

I don't want to overstate the point about breaking up with people, though. If someone only loves you because of what you do at Christmas, eg get presents for them or entertain them or whatever, that's not really love at all, it's not friendship either. There are times in your life when you have to sort out your real friends from those who just hang on to you for what you do at Christmas. It can be difficult to face up to the possibility that you don't have as many friends as you think, but this is better than deluding yourself into thinking you have more friends than you really have.

That's also not to say that anyone who is just hanging on for whatever reason, including Christmas, won't become a real friend in the future. But if they don't do it straight away, just don't waste your time on it.

For the last ten years or so, regular as clockwork, I've been getting anxious and depressed about Christmas, because I never realised this, it's only just occurred to me today. Now that I do, though, I thought I'd share it, and I think every future Christmas for me is going to be a good one. Again, merry Christmas to everyone.

:ding:

[fabienne00]

ah, quite true , Squidgy.
I'm amazed how you relate everything to films and seem to draw your experience from them.
Merry Xmas to u 2

[katie]

I'm not doing Christmas this year, not as such, not as it has been in past years where it's been spent with the family. Where do I begin?

Why is Christmas SO commercialised? Why is there SO much pressure to see and spend time with the family. Why do we feel SO obliged to buy presents for people we either don't really care for or just feel that we should because "that's what you do at Christmas"? Why is it next to impossible to just go shopping to buy regular weekly groceries?

I've ****ed off my housemates (my cousin and her boyfriend) by saying that I'm not buying them presents and I don't expect/want any from them. When questioned I said what's the point? If I want to buy someone a present then it will be because I've seen something the person in question would like, or because it's their birthday, which is a more personal day to them.

I've also decided, for many reasons, that unless my beloved comes here to spend Christmas with me, then I am quite happy, and more than willing, to spend Christmas Day on my own, with my cat, in front of the TV, with a large bottle of vodka, my duty-free ciggies and lots of chocolate and ice-cream.

Yes I'd rather have Tankie with me but if other circumstances prevent him from being with me on that day, never mind, I'll see him another day. To me Christmas Day is just one day out of 365. (I really don't want to go down the religious significance route tonight, not knocking it, cos I do believe in a lot of that stuff - maybe that's the problem, Christmas nowadays is not about remembering or celebrating what possibly/probably/who knows may have happend 2001 years ago).

I was going to go into great detail about all the bad stuff that's going on at home at the moment, and with the family, but it's too long a story for this time of night, and kind of veers off the subject of Christmas anyway, although Christmas does play a part in it.

So if I can't be with Tankie on Christmas Day, I want to be on my own, with my cat, and just enjoy whatever the day has in store for me. And do things my way (there's a song there too!). I'll probably end up getting loads of grief from the family but they should respect my wishes.

Katie.

[Onslo]

I feel I should add something here also....this thread kinda applies to me aswell

My family are sort of "otherwise engaged" when it comes to this time of year. My mother lives abroad with her partner for the majority of the year and because of differences between him and me we don't really see much of each other. Maybe a few days a year.

I don't really see my dad much, he doesn't live that far away, but no real effort is ever made by him and I kinda got fed up with doing all the work myself on that score and so just let it go the way it was heading.

My sister never calls me, not unless she wants something

The rest of my family don't bother either......and to be honest I can't be arsed really. I have made the effort in the past but for the last few years I have decided that it shouldn't be up to me to go touring the family homes just to feel awkward in the home of someone I don't realy know anymore. Obviously this gives them a "digging" point against me, they say "He never comes to visit, I haven't seen him in years", well, they know where I am and none of them have ever once set foot inside my home, some of them have never even phoned me up. Why should it be up to me?

Nope, like Katie I am doing it on my own this year. Me and Vernon (my cat for those that don't now) will sort something out. I have been invited to my mates parents, but I kinda feel weird and like I am intruding, so I might just pop round late afternoon instead of doing dinner with them.

I would like to stress that this is no sob story. I have lived with this attitude toward my family for too long to remember now, and without going into detail, it is pretty justified. I don't feel upset or hurt or depressed about this. It is normal to me. Doing what is expected feels abnormal

'Slo

[katie]

My Christmas is now sorted, Tankie is coming to me on Christmas Eve and spending Christmas Day with me and Spider (my cat).

Now I just have to phone the family and tell them I'm not going to see them at Christmas. Which I've just done, seem ok about it, they didn't expect me there apparently. Hey ho.

Katie.

Hi,

Well it's going to be an uneventful one here as well. I have been off with the Flu all week and still feel like crap today. Come next Tuesday all the kids will be away with the other parents (extended families 4 ya) and just me and the Girlie here alone.

Oh !! and the cat who is approprately named "Cat".

Inspiring eh... neither of us particularly wants a present from the other as we prefer to wait and spend in the sales so that's that.

I just hope there's somethin decent on TV.

STS

[Dicky]

Somebody's not getting any presents this year!

[squidgy]

Wow! I'm pleased to think that I've helped people to be more comfortable at Christmas by sharing this.

As for me, yes, I will be spending Christmas with the rellies, but that doesn't mean to say that the expectations are all satisfied, or that they don't apply. I think this is something that most of us feel, which is why it's unlikely that you'll fall out with anyone over it. I wouldn't say that anything anyone does at Christmas is bad, but it should only be because you want to do it, not because you feel under pressure, or just think that that's the thing to do.

It would be a shame if anyone did fall out with anyone over it, perhaps that's because they're so set in the pressure and expectations themselves that they can't see through it. Still, there's really only so far that you can push the point.

I guess I watch too many movies! Still, if you've got no plans and there's nothing on telly, I reckon you could do a lot worse than rent The Wizard of Oz on DVD, it's absolutely packed with additional content, and will keep you amused for days on end.

[squidgy]

Actually, I find that talking honestly like this is cheering me up, and is therefore helping me to motivate myself to arrange the things relating to Christmas that I really do want to do, like get presents for certain selected people. It's good, because I feel like I'm doing things for the right reasons, and not the wrong ones. I don't like doing things for wrong reasons.

Erm .... does that make any sense?

Hi,

No... Not at all.

STS

[Worldlife]

Merry Christmas everybody................

Glad fabienne mentioned about the films.... was beginning to feel a philistine as I don't recall seeing (m)any of the films mentioned by Squidgy

Exits left in Father Christmas outfit singing "I'm off to see the Wizard...."

[silver]

heh

:ding: Merry Christmas!! :ding:

Sil

PS, follow the yellowbrick road!

[fabienne00]

Beginning of rant:
All this talk of "do what you really want to do" is making me slightly uncomfortable, because nobody seems to care anymore.
Not about xmas itself, but about making the effort to go and meet the rellies, friends, or others.
Onslo mentioned the word "effort" and it seems he has done his share, with nothing much in return.
What i really want to say is that it's much easier to sit at home watching tV than go out and make conversation with folks. Communication requires an effort, Xmas requires an effort, pleasing your family & friends (even in a small little way) requires an effort, and the rewards may not be tangible, but i still think it's worth it. If everybody adopts the same attitude, we are heading towards a very gloomy future with no laughter and where no one cares...

Another point really annoys me: I recently saw in the shops an ad saying "Xmas: the joy of giving", meaning you have to give material presents, therefore you have to buy, buy, buy. I thought that was really outrageous. It illustrates exactly what Xmas has become nowadays, and is very regrettable. I thought of doing a "victor Meldrew" on this one and phone the complaints agency, but then, never did it...

End of rant....

[Dicky]

Yeah! Do a Victor Meldrew.
You go girl!

[Steed]

Hi,

without wishing to disappear completely off topic, does anyone else feel slightly uncomfortable with using Xmas rather than Christmas?

It seems to sum up the commercial side of the season, as it's quicker to write and cheaper to print.

It's nothing to do with religion in my case and I do use the word myself sometimes although I try to catch myself & change it if I notice.

Just a thought.

Merry Christmas

Steed

Steed

That's what I thought

That it was YET ANOTHER americanism........

but I read the other day that X is the Greek for "chi"........and In the middle ages all the monks transcribing the bible wrote Xmas as a shortened form of Christmas.......

Fabienne - when I said "do what you really want to do" - I meant Christmas is whatever YOU want it to be not what anyone else thinks you should want it to be - and yes I'm afraid that includes the rellies!

But if any of them criticised how I was celebrating it with my family I'd basically tell them to butt out! (in the nicest possible way of course!)

[Ian]

fridge is indeed correct !

http://www.snopes2.com/holidays/christmas/xmasabbr.htm

Origins: The abbreviation of 'Xmas' for 'Christmas' is neither modern nor disrespectful. The notion that it is a new and vulgar representation of the word 'Christmas' seems to stem from the erroneous belief that the letter 'X' is used to stand for the word 'Christ' because of its resemblance to a cross, or that the abbreviation was deliberately concocted "to take the 'Christ' out of Christmas." Actually, this usage is nearly as old as Christianity itself, and its origins lie in the fact that the first letter in the Greek word for 'Christ' is 'chi,' and the Greek letter 'chi' is represented by a symbol similar to the letter 'X' in the modern Roman alphabet. Hence 'Xmas' is indeed perfectly legitimate abbreviation for the word 'Christmas' (just as 'Xian' is also sometimes used as an abbreviation of the word 'Christian').

None of this means that Christians (and others) aren't justified in feeling slighted when people write 'Xmas' rather than 'Christmas,' but the point is that the abbreviation was not created specifically for the purpose of demeaning Christ, Christians, Christianity, or Christmas -- it's a very old artifact of a very different language

[Steed]

Hi Fridgebuzz

Well done the Monks, funnily enough I do feel happier about it now I've read that.

I had thought I was getting into Bad Habits



Steed

[Edit: Thanks Ian too]

[squidgy]

We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. We hear he is a whizz of a wiz, if ever a wiz there was, if ever, oh ever a wiz there was, the wizard of Oz is one because, because, because, because, because, because, because of the wonderful things he does.

What i really want to say is that it's much easier to sit at home watching tV than go out and make conversation with folks. Communication requires an effort, Xmas requires an effort, pleasing your family & friends (even in a small little way) requires an effort, and the rewards may not be tangible, but i still think it's worth it. If everybody adopts the same attitude, we are heading towards a very gloomy future with no laughter and where no one cares...

I think fabienne has made a good point. I'm going off to spend time with rellies this chrimbo because that's what I really want to do! Just because people do what they want, it doesn't automatically mean that they all just stay in and watch TV and rented videos and binge on chocolates. Unless that's what you want to do .... and if it is, honestly, really that's fine!

Another movie reference! In Dancer in the Dark, Bill and Selma made an effort to understand each other. And guess what? They both ended up dead as a result. In Girl Interrupted, Daisy makes an effort to help Lisa understand her when she first enters her room. When Lisa repeats it back to her in her flat, Daisy ends up dead. (BTW apparently Girl Interrupted is based on a true story.)

The point I'm making is that sometimes you don't even get intangible rewards. You should use your judgement, it's there for a reason. It's fine if people really are going to be pleased to see each other, but if they're just going to get into a cycle of dragging each other down, then that's best avoided for the sake of both parties. I still believe that you should only go and see people at Christmas, or have people over for Christmas, if you have the right reason for doing it. Wanting to do it is the right reason. Feeling pressurised to do it is the wrong reason.

Don't want to dwell on that any more right now, though, because I would be doing that for the wrong reason too, you've probably spotted the note of anxiety in my choice of words. So, I'll not worry about it, and just do what I want to do, which is, go see my rellies, and cheer up, I hope everyone else can do the same. Happy Christmas!



By the way, I'd never heard the second or subsequent verses of "We wish you a merry Christmas" until today, I only thought it had one verse. Anyone able to post the complete lyrics? Thanks.

[Worldlife]

Christmas Carol "We wish you a Merry Christmas"

:ding: